Uncomfortable Vulnerability
No one tells you that when you finally stop performing and adapting to the room, it is extremely uncomfortable.
Choosing not to go into the old patterns of buffering, smoothing, or softening. All the small ways we self-abandon to make others comfortable.
It is uncomfortable for two reasons.
First, you feel exposed. You are no longer hiding.
Second, if you have been doing this your whole life, you have become very good at reading the room and sensing other people’s discomfort. So when you stop trying to manage that discomfort, you have to sit with the awkwardness in the space. That feeling that comes when you are no longer playing the game or sticking to the script that others are used to.
Not laughing along when someone deflects to minimise the uncomfortable moment. Sitting in silence after you have spoken your truth and not trying to fix it or be understood. Not having the perfect words.
Not hiding the truth that you are human and sometimes you get it wrong. Feeling the shame, guilt, or embarrassment that can come with that.
And choosing honesty, even when it would be easier to protect yourself, especially when that old reflex is well practised and would quickly ease the discomfort.
You notice the anxiety in your mind that says this is not safe. Play along. Protect yourself.
You notice your hands gripping tightly. Your foot moving. The mind saying, let’s get out of here.
But you stay. And you breathe.
Later, when you go home, the mind starts again. It says you will be rejected now. You have put a red mark against your name. You will be ostracised from the community.
Yet underneath all of that, there is a quiet calmness. A knowing that you stayed true to yourself. That you stayed coherent.
There is a quiet truth that begins to reveal itself. Approval or authenticity. One gives you approval on the outside but tension on the inside. The other may create awkwardness on the outside but peace on the inside.
The discomfort is still there, but not because you wish you had spoken up. You did speak up. You were not met by others, but you were met by something much deeper within you that cannot be explained, only felt.
And that belonging is more important than any external belonging.
Jeff Foster speaks about the idea that real freedom is not about feeling comfortable all the time. It is about no longer abandoning yourself in order to belong.
I used to perform so well that I thought it was authentic. But when I got home and was by myself, there was a deep grief that I had not said what was truly on my heart.
I was always inspired by people who could be that authentic and vulnerable.
Today I realised that I have become the person I used to be inspired by.
It did not feel the way my mind told me it would. It felt real, raw, and scary. Very human.
But I would rather feel that than the emptiness of self-abandonment for someone else’s comfort.
We live in a system that teaches us to protect our vulnerability and wear our armour. Taking that armour off can feel incredibly exposing. Because underneath the mask is an innocent and undefended heart.
By Amanda Morphett
Quiet Reflections
You might like to sit with one or two of these questions and notice what arises.
• What does discomfort feel like in your body when you choose honesty instead of smoothing things over?
• What thoughts or fears arise when you imagine not managing other people’s reactions?
• What does belonging to yourself feel like?
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